Wishes.

So, My birthday is in approximately 8 months, and I've decided to make my wish list now, so that my loved ones (and yes, I love you very much, so i better be getting some of these things...hah) will know what to get me.

1) Male, Blue, Great Dane Puppy

(isn't he the cutest puppy ever?- His name will be Diesel.)

2) Nikon Coolpix S230 Digital Camera

3) LG Chocolate 3 (in light blue)

4) H3 Alpha Hummer (in all blue terrain)

Support those who need it the most.

"Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it notstarted by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11,2001 ? Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, notbrutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan , across the Potomac from our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania ? Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?

And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was "desecrated" whenan overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet?...Well, I don't.I don't care at all.

I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents forincinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.

I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East startcaring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime inSaudi Arabia.

I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashedthroat.

I'll care when the cowardly so-called "insurgents" in Iraq come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques.

I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.

I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up anIraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care.

When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college-hazing incident, restassured: I don't care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank: I don't care.

When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat,and fed "special" food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being "mishandled," you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts: I don't care.

And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled "Koran" andother times "Quran." Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and -you guessed it -I don't care ! ! ! ! !

"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem."-Ronald Reagan

"If we ever forget that we're One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under."-Ronald Reagan

One last thought for the day: In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the anti-American sentiment and negativity, we should remember England 's Prime Minister Tony Blair's words during a recent interview. When asked by one of his Parliament members why he believes so much in America , he said:"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in... And how many want out."

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you:

1. Jesus Christ
2. The American G. I.

One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

..It's like the sunset.

so i'll hit the pavement. it's gotta be better than waiting,
and pushing you far away, cause i'm scared.
so i'll take my chances and head on my way up there;
cause turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten.


this one's for you..because i've always wanted to just talk to you again, like before.
i was scared..because of what could happen. but hey, i've realized.
i don't regret what happened, but i do feel that way about what didn't.
and i'm sorry.



i guess i should be happy.
you were right, it is never just "friends again."
..it's like the sunset, right?

God, love her. (Part III)

Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.

I've been lying in this bed for close to a year, and I've had a lot of time to look back on my life. And the things that I remember best - those are the things I wasn't supposed to do and I did them anyway. The thing is, life is too damn short to be following these rules.

The fantasy is simple. Pleasure is good. And twice as much pleasure is better. That pain is bad. And no pain is better. But the reality is different. The reality is that pain is there to tell us something. And there is only so much pleasure we can take without getting a stomachache. And maybe that's okay. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams.

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

Do you know when to walk away? Do you know when not to take less than you deserve?




Ok, now an explanation: These are probably my favorite quotes of all time. Now, of course I do not know them all by heart, but whoever wrote them was, and is, probably the most hurting person in the world right now. How could anyone contain this much knowledge? What pieces of great writing. What analogies, what love, what passion; went into these.

Ok, don't call me crazy, they're all from a tv show (Grey's Anatomy).
Now you probably think they're stupid, but if I wouldn't have said anything about where they were from, what would you have thought?

God, love her. (Part II)

I've heard that it's possible to grow up - I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope - against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope...

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

There's something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say when. I think it's a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It's entirely up to the individual. And depends on what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless. And all we want, is more.

I have an aunt who whenever she poured anything for you she would say "Say when". My aunt would say "Say when" and of course, we never did. We don't say when because there's something about the possibility, of more. More tequila, more love, more anything. More is better.

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

No-one likes to lose control, but as a surgeon there's nothing worse. It's a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. And still there are times when it just gets away from you. When the world stops spinning and you realize that your shiny little scalpel isn't gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it's scary as hell. Except there's an upside to freefalling. It's the chance you give your friends to catch you.

Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

How do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask... And when is it all just too much to bear?

God, love her.

We're friends. real friends. & that means no matter how long it takes when you finally do decide to look back, i'll still be there.

At some point, you have to make a decision. boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. life is messy. that's how we're made. so, you can waste your lives drawing lines; or you can live your life crossing them. but there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross.

I know im not a lot of things you've gone for in the past, I know. but I would never leave you I would never hurt you, & I would never stop loving you.

Maybe we like the pain, Maybe we're wired that way, Because without it I don't know, Maybe we just wouldn't feel real.

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

Some things you don't want to hear, some things are said cause you can't stay silent, some things are more than what you say they are what you do, some things you keep to yourself, & not too often but every now & then some things simply speak for themselves.

A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

On the back seat of his motorcycle.

Of course I would never have the knowledge to write things like these, So here they are:
My favorite quotes from "One Tree Hill"

Change is never easy, you fight to hold on and you let go, by the worlds standards we will never be perfect, but for some reason with you, i feel perfected i like the fact that someone like you sees someone in me.

Sometimes people play hard to get to know that the other person's feelings are real.

Life's funny sometimes. It can push pretty hard, like when you fall in love with someone but they forget to love you back, like when your best friend & your boyfriend leave you alone, like when you pull the trigger or light the flame, & you can't take it back. Like I said, in sports, they call this stepping up. In life, I call it pushing back.

I guess that's what we all want, though... someone to want us, to make our heart ache in a good way. Someone to understand us.

Do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our lives, or if the moments in our lives make us?

Here is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune but omitted, and the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and mesires. On such a full sea are we now afloat and we must take the current when it serves or lose the ventures before us.

Do you ever wake up from a really good dream & just try to get back to sleep? Or, Do you have the flu and promise yourself that you'll appreciate normal so much more if you could just get back to it? That's the way i feel. I just want things to go back to the way they were.

However long it takes, I’m never giving up, No matter what; I love you this much.

Today is Mothers Day. Honestly, I am so proud of my Mom, and I love her so much.My entire/most of my family were sitting in Bob Evans eating breakfast. Me being me, I was listening to my 5 year old cousin talk to my other cousin. One thing he asked, and I swear, I never knew a 5 year old could make me think this hard, but he asked my cousin if she knew how to blow a bubble with gum, she said yes, he smiled, looked at his mom, and said "So does my Mommmy."He's five years old. Five years old and he already knows how proud he is of his Mom. I'm fifteen. Fifteen years old and i'm just realizing how much she means to me. Honestly, you could have told me 5 years ago that I would love my Mom, and I would have laughed at you. I never grew up with her, and she maybe came to 5/13 birthdays of mine. I would never have thought I would have ended up living with her, and depending on her. But I am. Honestly, I never thought of my life being this way.I went to the cemetary today. I talked to my grandma, man, i miss her. I was kneeling in the rain, infront of her, and I just couldnt help but cry. I never thought she would leave. I never thought she would go home, and leave me here. She was one of those grandma's where you thought she'd be around forever. She was the strongest, and is the strongest woman I know, and I love her so much. She always told me what to do, and always always always pointed me in the right direction. She gave me the strength to work towards having such a strong faith. She's the reason I am who I am today. If you would have told me, that 4 years ago and 38 days would have been the last time I talked to her, I would have never left her side. I would have never went to Myrtle Beach, and I never ever would have not said I love you. I hope she knows how much she means to me. I hope she knows how strong her love has made me. I hope she knows, me.

You feel like you're about to lose control, Like the world is taking over.

Tornado Warning: You hear the sirens all around Wadsworth, and yesterday it started with the Band running inside. Not knowing whats going on...For me, is the worst feeling ever. When you finally know what is happening, and what you're in for; you feel accomplished. That feeling, in this frozen-in-their-ways world, quickly leaves. I swear you won't feel it for more than a second, before the human kind feels they have screwed up again. Like they're not good enough, or they become insecure that other people have noticed their accomplishment, and they hide away. Driving in 50 mph winds, going the same speed: Don't do it. You'll soon realize you aren't good enough, and that in itself can make you break down. You feel like you're about to lose control, like the world is taking over, and for just one moment in time, you feel you need to give in. I was racing time, speeding just to see those clear skys. Seeing this black cloud surrounding you, i felt hopeless. I felt like my world was just caving in, and im sure everyone will feel it soon enough. But the black cloud, it just wouldnt go away. I could see the end, I saw the clear sky at the end of this black blanket, but the end just never came. I felt so overjoyed to see the end, but it seemed so far out of reach. It wasnt possible, I couldnt possibly reach it. And I didn't.

Something you should know

...I will be posting A LOT of entries in one day, and no, its not because I like to write, I'm just transfering some of my other entries from another blog.


Just so you know,


and dont think Im wierd or anything.


:)

What person in their right mind would name someone Aljie?

Let me tell you: They are both the same person.

Actually, her real name is Alie, but as you've already detected, yearbook makes you crazy, and one day, Tiffany went crazy.

There is this font on the yearbook website in which you can type words, and honestly, it looks like chinese letters (which I really despise, because im not racist or anything, but I really just dont like their letters) Anywho: Alie was typing, blah blah blah, and she typed her name, and no doubt, because of the shear genious of the creators of this font (most likely some high crazy and a person with more than likely a higher IQ than Einstein: A chinese person) the I looks like a J. And this is how Alie got her new name. It was really quite funny when you think about it.


Anywho, I figured since i have mentioned "Aljie" in my blog about 90238450298 times now, I might want to give you some background on who she really is. Because I bet you're thinking...


What person in their right mind would name someone Aljie?

I've just got one thing to say...

Thank you so much Tiffany Schleigh for making me want to write on here again. It brings me such joy to almost NOT get my psychology homework done because of writing in this stupid, inhumane way of keeping a journal. But I think I will. Well, atleast when I have something to write about, or when I think I should update Tiffany (In about 6 months) about yearbook...since she wont be there. And when I think about it, neither will aljie because she decided NOT to take the class again...of course, my other friend (whom I honestly do find extremely annoying) will be joining it, I think I will go crazy. Atleast a little more crazy than I already am.

So thanks tiffany,


Thanks for adding craziness to my life.




But, I can't wait til you graduate :P

Why do I act so shy, forever hiding my face

Think what a huge force fear must have been. Imagine being out in the dark, alone in the elements. Fear, great enough to change the formation of all living things-eyes on the side, eyes in the front, protective coverings,spikes and venom. Other protections too-shyness and anxiety and superstitions-all remnants of fear. Rituals and raindances, gods and mythology. Living in groups...It goes on and on. Fear causes the greatest changes, when you think about it. Fear is a monumental force. Sometimes it can get drowned out by other things, Maybe it gets tweaked by people in your life. Urged in one direction. Sometimes that's just the way you come, or it gets broken...Nothing about me is broken, just in general. Sure, okay. Instincts are an awesome thing, but we dont have to be a prisoner to it, we choose too. What brought all of this to mind? I met someone. Not just someone, but someone. Im in love, and my insticnts are here and they are working fine. I just have my fear turned up a little loud. Like my stereo with too much bass. Makes it hard to hear the lyrics. I don't want to get hurt. How does a person stay safe, always? Lock myself away? Im looking for guarantee and there are no guarantees. If I love, i'll feel loss. I can't 'careful' myself into avoiding loss. I'm trying to get day without night. All the marshmellows without the cereal. Summer vacation without the school.

Well, mine is 60 feet full of cookie dough...

I'm back in yearbook, after having probably the best lunch that my school offers -- grilled cheese sandwiches; warm, delcicious and very red tomato soup; and of course i went the healthy way and got celery sticks. Yum-o. I was actually very excited for this lunch, considering it's a school lunch. Those, in the past, usually consist of, as i would say, yuck-o.

Tiffany Schleigh has decided that she hates (I take this back, I decided that she hates..) when people read over her shoulder. 1) I first read over her shoulder because she's a very very very slow typer, and I'm a very very very impatient person. 2) Secondly, I now only read over her shoulder because (yes because she's a slow typer and i'm impatient) but also because It bugs her. I absolutely love love love making her mad, to where, today, it got to the point where she put her hand in my face. Let's just say: I know she wanted to slap me, but she couldn't because, as she said...She loves me, and her love is 52.5 feet full of (whatever, i cant really remember) but really, all i can remember about that is the cookie dough part. Mmmmmm yum-o.

Cookie dough is probably the best invention EVER. When I say ever, I really do mean ever. In the food category, I would say it's way better than sliced bread. Especially when it isn't used for the purpose of baking cookies. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I made cookies. Actually, it was around christmas time. And I didn't even make the cookies. I was supposed to be, but I didn't. I made the icing, and of course I ate the cookie dough. I think it's pretty cool that a food item can have multiple purposes. It makes very very very good cookies, but it also makes a very very very good broken-heart mender. It's like the glue that keeps the pieces together.


It's like love.

so ive decided life is worth...deleting?

So. It's February of my Junior year, technically in two days it will be March. Wow. Let me just say that
1. Im so pumped for senior year
2. Im so excited for Tiffany Schleigh to be graduating (actually, i'm just kidding) I've been kinda mean, and bratty towards her since we've had yearbook together all year, and let me tell you...Lame. Not only is it a waste of my life, I have to sit between two people (aljie and Tiffany) What whores. (Like I said before, I'm just kidding) I actually love these two crazy people whom i sit between. They make yearbook worth taking.

And...I just told tiffany that im not updating this,
but I only did, maybe for the off chance, that she will read this, and understand how much I DESPISE her.
But I bet she's like me and is reading this over my shoulder right now. Love you tiff.