Back again.

I am finally, finally, back to writing in my blog. I guess that whole thing about not writing thing didn't work.

So: Here's my thoughts for the past two weeks.

1) Here's the most recent news about my ex:
It was a wednesday night, exactly two weeks after we broke things off, and I'm walking out of the back door where I work. I open my phone, and I see that I have 6 missed calls, and about 100 unread text messages. Great. (That is one thing I really love - looking at my phone and seeing unread messages, and missed calls -- I guess you could say that it makes me feel that people care) Anywho, I open up my missed call list. COREY. Wow? Why is he calling me? Why now? Does he want me back? (I was honestly hoping that last question had the answer YES.) So, There is no way that I am going to call him back, so I decided to wait for him to call again -- something in my gut is telling me that he definitely will. I was right, no less than the time it took me to open my car door, hop up into the seat, and strap on my seat belt, my phone starts vibrating. Incoming Call. COREY. I reluctantly answer,
"Hello?"
"Hey, Were you busy?"
"Nope, I just missed 6 of your calls on purpose. Yes, I was busy. I'm just now leaving work."
"Oh, Well, I was wondering if it was okay if I came tonight to get my stuff?"
"Sure, I guess."
--This was the end of the conversation, we both had hung up, but, on my end, I was crying. He is coming to get his stuff...This makes it real, we are finally over, and Im never going to see him again. Oh god, I have to look him in the eyes tonight. I was expecting the worse when it came to him arriving. So, finally, two hours later, I hear his bass atleast a mile down the road, and i see his headlights shining onto my living room walls. Oh no, Oh no, Oh no. How am I going to handle this? I walk to my front door, and I open it, looking straight into the eyes of a guy who I devoted myself to for a whole year. He looked so different to me, maybe breaking a girls heart changes the appearance of a guy, but there was something in his smirk that made me believe he had no regrets of no longer being with me. My eyes start slowly watering. I can't cry, I can't let him know that I care. We walk upstairs, and after a two hour drive, he said he had to use the bathroom.
"Sure, okay."
I just wanted him to leave. I wanted him to take his stuff, and drive out of my life -- although this is a lie, I wanted him to hold me in his arms and never ever let go again. But, for gratification of myself thinking I am moving on -- I kept telling myself to tell him to just leave. That didn't happen.
I was sitting on the couch, and I hear the bathroom door open, and I see him walk into the living room, and I feel the couch cushion sink down a little. He is sitting right next to me. Our legs touching. He holds onto my hand, and starts talking. Still, to this day, I can't quite recall exactly what he says: But, this I do know, He doesn't tell me he still loves me. He doesn't tell me he still wants to be with me. The only thing I really can remember is him telling me that he is sorry. I guess that just made me mad -- I didn't want his sorrow, and I didnt, and still do not accept his apology. I guess the rest is simple -- he called me babe, sweetie and honey. He got his stuff off of my bed, and he drove out of my life.
I guess you could say that I miss him, but it's not him that I miss. It's the objectivity of a boyfriend: the calls during the wee hours of the morning, the little text messages that I wake up to, the flowers I would randomly recieve. He was a good boyfriend, but I do know now that I do deserve better, and I'm in no hurry to move on. I guess it wasnt in Gods plans for me to be with him, and I'm glad I realized that before it was too late.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”- Psalm 139: 13-14

How true is this? God knows me, knows every single thing about me, he made me. He knows what is right for me, and I am thanking him everyday for letting me know that I should have not been in that relationship, that it wasn't right for me.

2) It is almost the end of my junior year of high school. I will officially be a senior in less than 20 days! I think that this is the most radical time of my life -- and I can't believe I'll be planning for college this time next year! It is so exciting and invigorating at the same time, I'm so stressed, but I'm also so happy to be moving on (and now that there is no serious boyfriend in the picture, I won't have to worry about being able to go out of state for college -- I can go anywhere now!)