Back again.

I am finally, finally, back to writing in my blog. I guess that whole thing about not writing thing didn't work.

So: Here's my thoughts for the past two weeks.

1) Here's the most recent news about my ex:
It was a wednesday night, exactly two weeks after we broke things off, and I'm walking out of the back door where I work. I open my phone, and I see that I have 6 missed calls, and about 100 unread text messages. Great. (That is one thing I really love - looking at my phone and seeing unread messages, and missed calls -- I guess you could say that it makes me feel that people care) Anywho, I open up my missed call list. COREY. Wow? Why is he calling me? Why now? Does he want me back? (I was honestly hoping that last question had the answer YES.) So, There is no way that I am going to call him back, so I decided to wait for him to call again -- something in my gut is telling me that he definitely will. I was right, no less than the time it took me to open my car door, hop up into the seat, and strap on my seat belt, my phone starts vibrating. Incoming Call. COREY. I reluctantly answer,
"Hello?"
"Hey, Were you busy?"
"Nope, I just missed 6 of your calls on purpose. Yes, I was busy. I'm just now leaving work."
"Oh, Well, I was wondering if it was okay if I came tonight to get my stuff?"
"Sure, I guess."
--This was the end of the conversation, we both had hung up, but, on my end, I was crying. He is coming to get his stuff...This makes it real, we are finally over, and Im never going to see him again. Oh god, I have to look him in the eyes tonight. I was expecting the worse when it came to him arriving. So, finally, two hours later, I hear his bass atleast a mile down the road, and i see his headlights shining onto my living room walls. Oh no, Oh no, Oh no. How am I going to handle this? I walk to my front door, and I open it, looking straight into the eyes of a guy who I devoted myself to for a whole year. He looked so different to me, maybe breaking a girls heart changes the appearance of a guy, but there was something in his smirk that made me believe he had no regrets of no longer being with me. My eyes start slowly watering. I can't cry, I can't let him know that I care. We walk upstairs, and after a two hour drive, he said he had to use the bathroom.
"Sure, okay."
I just wanted him to leave. I wanted him to take his stuff, and drive out of my life -- although this is a lie, I wanted him to hold me in his arms and never ever let go again. But, for gratification of myself thinking I am moving on -- I kept telling myself to tell him to just leave. That didn't happen.
I was sitting on the couch, and I hear the bathroom door open, and I see him walk into the living room, and I feel the couch cushion sink down a little. He is sitting right next to me. Our legs touching. He holds onto my hand, and starts talking. Still, to this day, I can't quite recall exactly what he says: But, this I do know, He doesn't tell me he still loves me. He doesn't tell me he still wants to be with me. The only thing I really can remember is him telling me that he is sorry. I guess that just made me mad -- I didn't want his sorrow, and I didnt, and still do not accept his apology. I guess the rest is simple -- he called me babe, sweetie and honey. He got his stuff off of my bed, and he drove out of my life.
I guess you could say that I miss him, but it's not him that I miss. It's the objectivity of a boyfriend: the calls during the wee hours of the morning, the little text messages that I wake up to, the flowers I would randomly recieve. He was a good boyfriend, but I do know now that I do deserve better, and I'm in no hurry to move on. I guess it wasnt in Gods plans for me to be with him, and I'm glad I realized that before it was too late.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”- Psalm 139: 13-14

How true is this? God knows me, knows every single thing about me, he made me. He knows what is right for me, and I am thanking him everyday for letting me know that I should have not been in that relationship, that it wasn't right for me.

2) It is almost the end of my junior year of high school. I will officially be a senior in less than 20 days! I think that this is the most radical time of my life -- and I can't believe I'll be planning for college this time next year! It is so exciting and invigorating at the same time, I'm so stressed, but I'm also so happy to be moving on (and now that there is no serious boyfriend in the picture, I won't have to worry about being able to go out of state for college -- I can go anywhere now!)

The warm days of summer 2009

This summer will be a blast -- and I'm excited. It's going to be my last summer in high school. The summer before my senior year, and I'm going to spend every day enjoying it!

Here are some things I get to look forward to:

June 3 -- Last final of Junior year. & Leaving for Myrtle Beach!
July 4 -- Camping, like every year, with my family.
August 8 -- Medina County fair presents MONTGOMERY GENTRY. 5th row tickets.
August 21 -- FRONT ROW tickets at the Quicken Loans Arena for....Keith Urban!!!

Every day -- Living life, and loving the fact that I will be single, and can flirt and have fun all that I want!!
Every day-- Spending time with my friends, swimming, and loving the fact I will be graduating in a little less than a year.

I'm so excited for this summer, and I will update every event I attend, and of course post lots of pictures of Keith Urban :)

This will be the last.

This will be the last of my blogs that will be ranting and raving about my ex-boyfriend. I am not looking forward to seeing him for the last time. I am not looking forward to giving him a box of his stuff, and say good-bye forever. He hurt me. He still hurts me. Yet, I still love him. I can still picture marrying him. I am not depressed about it. Actually, I'm happier now because I don't have to think that tomorrow he will say something stupid and just hurt me again. I am now carefree, and don't have to worry about doing or saying anything that will set him off.
I'm a myspace and facebook addict -- and along with myspace comes music. I found a song today that I have absolutely fallen head over heels in love with. It's buy an all guy band, so of course it's meant for a guy to a girl...but I always change it to a girl to a guy. I love this song, so here's the lyrics.

Everything Is You -- Eli Young Band

eternal flame came on the radio

and i remember how you loved it so

memories sneak up on mewhere ever i go

A car like you used to drive

pulled beside me today at the light

chances to break down and cry

yeah where ever i go

and you want me to be strong

anyless just shows im weak

but how'd you turn so cold

wheres the girl(boy!) i use to know

but its love and hate and all these emotions

never thought that you'd be goin

now im just goin through the motions

where everthing is you

everything is you

an inside joke comes to mind

we'd wear them out all the time

memories sneak up on me

where ever i go

and it seems you've disappeared though your not that far away

please tell me its not true

i didn't mean that much to you

its love and hate and all these emotionsn

ever thought that you'd be goin

now im just goin through the motions

where everthing is you

everything is you

what did i do wrong

nothing,i treated you like an angel

i treated you like an angel

and its love and hate and all these emotions

i never thought that you'd be goin

now im just goin through the motions

where everything's you

everything is you

i treated you like an angel

Broken hearts aren't really broken.

Broken: verb: [broh-kun]
2. reduced to fragments; fragmented.
3. ruptured; torn; fractured.
4. not functioning properly; out of working order.

The term broken should not be applied to hearts when they are hurt. Hearts don't get broken, is something i've learned this past year. Hearts do get ripped out, smashed, squeezed, bummed-out, crushed, cast-down, and crummy. Hearts do not get broken in two. Although this is true, I sometimes wish it wasn't. This past year, I have had my heart ripped out, smashed, squeezed, bummed-out, crushed and cast-down so many times -- I wish he would have just broke it in the first place. How much less pain it would have been. Having a heart broken in two in the first place would be so much easier than having these little jabs at it for a whole year. My heart is covered in jabs, scars, and crummy pain from the little insinuations I have been placed with by my ex-boyfriend. Maybe you don't care -- but this is just a little information for your day -- Don't let someone crush your heart, squeeze the life out of it, or "bum it out". It is so much worse because if it isn't broken in two, you still feel for that person, you're still going to love them with all you have. This is called building a resistence. I have become numb to the pain that he had caused me. Maybe, just maybe, He stopped hurting me. (yeah, freaking, right) He never stopped, and he never will. He never will, because in my mind, I know that he will always have a piece of my heart. The other half that I need to actually move on. He's got his grimy, nasty, slimy hands all over my heart...and it isn't meant for him. He shouldnt' have it -- and I want it back. I need the other half, and for me to get it back I have to relive through the pain that he has caused and find closure. Maybe that's what everyone else would like to have when they go through a bad situation -- but I don't want it. I don't want it at all. I don't want to live through the pain of knowing he doesn't care, nor did he ever. My point to this rampage today is to keep your heart -- never give it all way -- not unless you marry this person, because giving it away means never getting it back unless you live through pain that it can bring.

This past week, the good, actually, the bad.

It was wednesday morning, two days after my one year anniversary with my now ex boyfriend, and I still hadn't heard from him. He had done this before, ignoring me because he's mad, or because he has done something wrong...I was expecting this because just on sunday we had gotten into a stupid fight because we lived so far away and we both got irritated because we hadn't been able to see each other (basically because we both have jobs, and its hard to work around them). But, now maybe i'm over reacting, but after not even getting a call, a text, or even a freaking email on a one year anniversary -- that for one sent me over the edge. I was furious. I kept calling, and he wouldn't answer. After three calls a day, for almost four days, I was finished. I was just tired of being in a constant batlle to get my own boyfriends attention. So -- Wednesday morning before school, I called him, he didn't answer (of course) and I left him a voice mail. "Hey, it's me. I don't care what you're doing anymore...but I want your stuff out of my house by the end of the month. K. Thanks. Bye." That was how I just ended a one year relationship with someone I thought I could have married -- who I sincerely loved with my whole heart. (Note: I had, and still have, a whole dresser full of his clothes, half a closet worth of his shoes, and lots and lots of his rings -- one being a promise ring, which I'm surprised I haven't even thrown away yet.) That call was the last one that I had made to him for two days -- usually he would have called to say something, just something. He didn't. This crazy thought goes running through my mind -- he's hurt. he's dead. he's lying in the hospital in a coma, and no one knows his name. he's a john doe. I flipped out. I feared for the guy who I have loved for one year, I feared for the same guy who hurt me more than one year's worth. I couldn't believe I still cared. So, I called, one last time, and I of course had to block my number (just incase my summations were wrong and he was, in fact, still alive.) He answered. "Yo." "Hey, I need to talk to you." Click. He hung up on me. After hurting me for one year, every day, after ending things the way they did, he hung up. Oh, I was furious. I called back -- and the idiot actually answered. The first word out of his mouth was Fuck. "What is your problem?" "I can't believe you would end our relationship the way you did." "I can't believe you didn't call me on our anniversary." "Why would I? My phone was dead." (he has internet, and a home phone) "whatever, when are you coming to get your stuff?" This was the point when he got quiet, and actually sounded quite hurt. "I don't have the money to drive and get it, I will have to save up for a while -- Can you just wait?" "Why should I?" "Because I know you still care about me -- you should still care about me." Damn. He knew. Was I obvious? Was it the fact that the thought of him being dead worried me? Whatever the situation -- I still care about someone who doesn't care about me.

25 things you probably don't know about me.

i've been reading around (blogs, and of course facebook) and i've found that people love to make these lists about themselves in which other people could use to stalk them -- stalkers get set, because here is my list:

1. My middle name is Rachelle -- and I absolutely hate it!
2. I have a scar that takes up the back of my right ankle from a curling iron, when i was two. My uncle still blames himself to this day. It wasn't his fault.
3. I don't have a visible birth mark -- mine is on the back of my neck, and you can only see it when i get mad, because then it turns red!
4. The best dog that I have ever had, died when i was 12 or 13. She was a mix between a shepard and a coyote. She was a gorgeous dog, and I still miss her to this day. She never let anyone pick me up when i was little, and she was a great plate licker! How she died? She had cancer in her left leg, which is when we were given the options to either: remove the cancer, or remove her leg. Of course another option was to let her live with it. We decided that she was too old to only live with 3 legs (she was about 14 when we found out she had cancer). After weighing the options we were given, we decided to remove the cancer. Six months of being cancer free, some a$$ho** swerved too far to the right of the road and hit her. She survived cancer, but not a drunk driver.
5. I want to be a nurse in childrens oncology. Truth: I'm only pursuing this because none of my family believes that I can do it. I love to prove people wrong. And I will.
6. I'm a christian. A child of God. Your sister. -- Even though I know all of this, I'm always second guessing whether or not I will be going to heaven when I die.
7. I only wear Old Navy jeans - old navy flip flops - and I only wear K-SWISS tennis shoes.
8. I was in a one-year relationship recently. I just ended it today.
9. I find the opposite sex to be extremely obsessive, hard-headed, pessemistic (sp?), and completely un-loveable.
10. I am hoping to have all of the children that I want before I turn 27. -- This also leads to the fact that I want to get married right away.
11. a little note to the reason above ^^ I just want to be wanted.
12. My hair is very dark brown -- so dark that every time I go to my grandparents house she accuses me of dying my hair black. Note: My grandma is like my mom, and she really hates the idea of tattoos, piercings, and hair dye. Screw that. I am like her little rebel child (see number 13) I would never dye my hair, because I actually really really like my natural hair color -- but even if I wanted to, it's my choice.
13. I only have my ears pierced. Doesn't sound so bad? My right ear is pierced four times. My left ear is pierced 6. I guess this may make me sound like a rebel child -- not so much. I love getting piercings, and I'm so excited to get my first tattoo. I think the pain is really a stress reliever for me. Granted, it only really lasts for a few months, that could be why I have so many...I've been wanting to get my nose pierced. hmmm.
14. In note of number 12: My grandma isn't my mom. That wouldn't really make any sense. So here's my life story. My parents got divorced when i was like 1. My dad moved to...florida, back to here, back to florida, kentucky, and now he resides in Indiana. After my mom and dad got divorced, my mom moved to New York for college (because both my parents are deaf, she got into a good deaf tech school, so i guess she had to go?) She lived in New York, going to school -- for 13 years. During this time, I lived with my Grandma and Grandpa because my grandma legally has guardianship over me. I tried to live with my mom in New York when I was little -- and it really didn't work out. So, since my mom moved back when I was 13, I have been living with her ever since...For 3 years, and my grandma still has this obsession of telling my mom and I what to do. It gets really lame.

This was supposed to be twenty-five things, but right now I can only concentrate on writing...14. Sweet.

Marc Broussard made me cry.

Here are some lyrics from a song that I heard this morning while I was getting ready for school -- it has a good ending, which at this time, isn't the same predicament I am in, but i heard it and just broke down crying, it's a good song.

When It's Good - By Marc Broussard featuring LeAnn Rimes

Got to aplogize, Never meant to hurt you so
If I could go back in time
I'd make things right, baby, don't know know?

So let's stop wasting time
'Cause there's only one way to go
We both know we can't deny
We only get one ride down that road

When it's good, it's good
When it's bad it ain't that bad
Even when the hurt is all that you can feel
Then you know that love is real, yeah

I'm just a young man, I can't lie
This is all so new to me
Just trying to do things right
'Cause i'm in it for the life and honey, I'm in deep

Then baby take my hand, oh yeah
I won't let you lsip away
And just try the best you can to be a better man
Each and every day, each and every day

When it's good, it's good
When it's bad, it ain't that bad, oh yeah
Even when the hurt is all that you can feel
The you know that love is real, oh

Wehn it's good, it's good
When it's bad, it ain't that bad
Even when the hurt is all that you can feel
Then you know that love is real
Know it's real, now I know